I just read a lovely article titled ‘My Celibacy, My Choice’ written by Enajite. It was like walking down memory lane. I could have written that article in fact I probably have written it if only I can get a computer with a floppy disk drive.
I was a loud, proud and obnoxious virgin. (Enajite sounds nice, I wasn’t). I could have made a badge and worn it 24hours a day with the words ‘HYMEN INTACT’ on it. I announced it to everyone who cared or did not care to listen. My virginity defined me. I was the tough Christian girl that only unlocked the metal panties for a quick pee. It was my only claim to holiness. And even at that not a very good claim because incidentally my mind was worse than a working girl’s office if you know what I mean. I had read everything and knew everything but had done nothing physically. If virginity factored in the state of the mind I would have failed at first screening. All toasters got the “If you can’t wait then move along” speech. It was arrogant and I did feel I was something else, I wonder how my boyfriend and now husband could stand that.
I have no regrets though. I stood up for what I believed in and refused to be shamed into silence. It took discipline and well, yes God to stay put. Now after years of being married and looking back, while I am glad I did what I did but I can tell virgins the myths that surround ‘keeping’ one’s self.
First things first. I was 32 when I got married. That is a long time to be fighting off all the blazing swords around. Remember it defined me so the wedding night was not the glorious exit to a higher plane of bliss. It was a bloody night of well, loss. My prized possession was conquered and I was no longer the commendable virgin but just one of the many people doing it.
Remember that my holiness was intertwined with the hymen, so I battled with guilt for quite a few years after marriage. I know it was ridiculous but the license to kill we got from the registry still could not take away brief bouts of guilt I felt.
Virgins hardly marry virgins. As a Born Again Christian this is the ideal but in actual fact, men are expected to sow their wild oats and repent and marry one of the very few fields left that they never plowed. Virginity does not guarantee a perfect marriage with a husband that places one on a pedestal and worships her holy majesty that has known only one ‘staff’ throughout her sexual life. It does not mean you will never be cheated on. The hymen card guaranteeing one a free pass to everything and earning respect forever does not exist. You will have a normal marriage with no medals awarded. Quite disappointing if you ask me.
Now, since I married above 30, my friends had not only tasted the forbidden fruit, they were not just nibbling the fruit, they were making fruit salad with yoghurt and cream. It is rare to have over a decade of experience and be bad or mediocre at it. I was starting a journey that my mates had started from their teens. I discovered that it was not about a round peg fitting into a round hole. That is knowing how the parts fit was not all there was to it. In fact I just had a conversation with a neighbor that got me thinking after I picked my jaw from the ground that “people do and enjoy doing that!”. The whole sex thing is like an expedition through an untraveled jungle. While friends knew where all the goodies were in the jungle and the booby traps to avoid, sometimes I feel like I am just a few feet of cleared path into it. And the worst part is that nobody else’s map works for another. So no one can give me ‘expo’ or a blueprint.
After a conversation with a good friend that is in the same shoes with me, I can say confidently that the physical hymen is broken in seconds but the mental one (especially a 30year old one) takes a longer time to disappear.
If you are a virgin and you are reading this, don’t be worried. I am kind of an alarmist. The plus side still exists, and I don’t need to tell you what it is, you know it that is why you are still a virgin. When the time comes to cross over and join everyone else, your inhibitions will be your greatest enemy. Sometimes you will wonder if it would have been better to have gone round the block and compared notes before selecting the best ‘doer’. On the whole though, don’t sweat anything out. You are an incredibly disciplined person and the ability to decide for yourself what you want and hold out is a plus and will always be a plus. Peer pressure, internal pressure and temptation were all defeated by you, always be proud of that.
Psst just between the two of us, a quick heads up, virginity is overrated but sex is not….